Filed under Tea

#24: Temp Work Small Talk

Drink: Gallons and gallons of low quality, Darjeeling tea

Temping is a young person’s game. A lot of us have felt the dirty need to take on some quick fit employment for a quick money fix to put some fresh crumbs on the table. Throw in a dodgy job market, the absence of a steady career, and the recent conclusion of a degree, and suddenly I’m a temp agency’s wet dream.

You may end up at the same place regularly, maybe moved around a bit, or usually called in for one-time events. It can be fun or, more than likely, extremely painful, but it’s a bit of money with no-strings-attached. I guess it’s a lot like being a prostitute – you tell yourself it’s just this one time, and it’s only for the money, but you keep going back every time your agency pimp calls you up. Oh, and you always feel the need to shower afterwards too. You dirty little hospitality whore.

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Kettle Thought #21: A word of advice

Drink: Earl Grey Tea

I am a trained psychologist so this should cost you a fortune, but for one day only my advice is on the house. That’s right, completely free, so you’d be a fool to turn it down.

  1. Gym guys, stop drinking protein shakes. Eat proper food and spend more of your time living life and less time lifting things. Protein shakes taste like someone used piss instead of milk in their Nesquik.
  2. Women, stop wearing make-up that is ten shades darker than your actual skin. Are you trying to be a walking, squawking advert for Dulux? This behaviour, that we shall call ‘Reverse Jackson-ing’, makes you look like a clown. Do you think that when you sweat, and droplets of dark brown filth drip off you and onto passers-by, they’re going to stop and think “Daaaaym, that girl is FINE!”? No.
  3. Dogs, stop giving me your paw. I don’t carry Scooby-Snacks around with me wherever I go.
  4. iTunes, stop asking me to update you! I am now on version 100,000,000.230,500,525.124,111 (beta) and am yet to see any change from the first time I installed you.
  5. Motorists, use your cars properly! Some poor old inventor didn’t spend his time coming up with the idea for indicators and rear view mirrors so that you could forego using them. Opening your doors into the middle of the street without looking should hold the death sentence. I at least wish my bicycle (and I) were made from titanium so that I could plough right on through and take your car door and stupid, neglectful arm clean off.
  6. Jehovah’s Witnesses, give up already. You’ve had a go, done your best, but maybe it’s time you accept that no one cares. Stay at home, save your own damn souls, and have a cup of tea, because you’re sure as hell not getting one at my house.
  7. White van men, buy different coloured vans. You are inviting discrimination. Perhaps you would have more chance with the ladies if you drove slowly past, whistling and requesting to see their breasts whilst driving a duck-egg-blue van? Or maybe a rich burgundy?  

Actually, I’ve changed my mind. That’s some really good advice and I will be sending you an invoice. 

 

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Kettle Thought #16: The Big-Head Hypothesis

Kettle Thought of the day: Sexy Heads

Drink: Lemon and Ginger Tea

There is a fundamental discrepancy in the way hard work is rewarded in terms of attractiveness. When someone works out, plays sport, inhales protein powders, and pumps metaphorical iron, they are compensated with a muscular well-proportioned physique; one that the opposite sex finds extremely attractive. However, if you work out your brain, read books, write papers, and pump mental iron(y), your compensation, although a fantastic asset, is completely invisible to the naïve observer. Not only that; you will probably also forego much physical activity and thus end up less muscular than ordinary. This is not attractive.

The problem is that, in the modern age, a superior mental capacity has replaced a superior physical capacity for the provision of resources. To throw a little evolutionary theory into the mix; a big strong-looking male used to indicate his ability to hunt, protect and provide. Nowadays it signifies that he spends too much time with his sweaty friends in the gym, homoerotically watching each other do reps on all manner of ridiculous machines. Superior ability to provide and protect is now determined by mental capacity and entrepreneurship (professional athletes aside; who make up a very small percentage of the population anyway). So why then do women still find blokes who look like deformed rugby players attractive?

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Kettle Thought #14: Idiot-Tax

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Darjeeling Tea

There are certain things that I just can’t wrap my head around. Things that are so blatantly stupid or illogical that they must have been created simply for the hell of it. Somewhere out there, in the sands of industry, pale, bearded men hunch over desks, coming up with ingenious schemes to charge someone money for something they don’t need; a sort of ‘idiot-tax’, with them, the Idiot Inland Revenue. You could argue that much of what we have today is completely unnecessary (we’ve survived and evolved for millennia without iPads), but I’ve identified a few choice examples of products with particularly excessive idiot-tax rates.  

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Kettle Thought #13: Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Earl Grey Tea

I have indulged over the past holiday season. Sucked in by winter’s cold consumerism, I find January a difficult season; racked with guilt over the promises I’ve made for 2012, buyer’s remorse, and unpaid bills.

It struck me that the ‘gangster’ phrase ‘Mo Money, Mo Problems’ may, therefore, not always be accurate; and, as such, a more applicable relationship between money and problems needed to be defined. The ensuing economic analysis is elaborated on below:

It should be noted that when problems = 100, one must apply ‘The Jay-Z correction’, which poses that when problems = 99, “a bitch ain’t one”; therefore problems = 100 – ‘a bitch’. 

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Kettle Thought #11: Hipster-Casino

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Earl Grey Tea

I do enjoy casinos, there’s nothing like a bit of gambling followed by mild disappointment and remorse (I’m not very good), but wouldn’t it be nice if once in a while there was a little bit of a change in the type of games offered? There’s nothing wrong with a spot of blackjack, and poker can be a riot; it’s just that you don’t always feel in the mood for such serious games. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could gamble irresponsibly whilst playing a similarly irresponsible, childish game?

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Kettle Thought #9: Diagnosing the Hangover

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Lemon & Ginger (extra honey)

Not quite alcohol poisoning, but enough to ruin your day – I believe that it is about time that somebody medically classified the hangover. In fact, I don’t think that goes far enough: I see the hangover as more of an umbrella diagnosis, thus requiring the further sub-classification of all the varying types of hangover that poor unsuspecting socialites are afflicted with. After all, as with all accurate medical models, an accurate diagnosis helps with effective, appropriate treatment.

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Kettle Thought #6: O.C.D.esign

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: English Breakfast Tea

Although they’re not overly apparent, I have several ‘mild compulsions’ – habits, if you will. Now, they are by no means as severe as those suffered by the unfortunate souls afflicted with OCD; merely little quirks, as I’m sure/hope everyone has.

One of these so called quirks is perpendicularity: I very much enjoy things to be aligned, at right angles, parallel, symmetrical…you get the idea. Deep in Kettle Thought today, it occurred to me that, to my knowledge, no one has commercialised this market. Continue reading

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Kettle Thought #5: Love Thy Bartender

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Camomile, Vanilla and Honey Tea

In order to pay my way through university/buy teabags/keep the landlady happy/buy useless things on eBay, I work in a popular cocktail bar. In my capacity as a bartender, I often find myself encountering individuals of a less than desirable manner – especially after they’ve spent a few hours quaffing bad-decision juice. Of course, this is part and parcel of the job; however there are certain habits of the common patron that really get on the nerves of bartenders (or, as our CVs state, professional mixologists). Continue reading

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Kettle Thought #3: Conspiracy Theor-Tea

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Earl Grey

Wales, my current country of occupation, has recently introduced legislation whereby retailers are required to charge £0.05 (US$0.08, ¥5.99, KR 0.54, infinity First Zimbabwean Dollars) per disposable plastic/paper/hemp/fur shopping bag used by the customer. It doesn’t sound like much (unless you are an Old Zimbabwean), but it’s just enough to make you risk walking home clutching your newly-procured goods precariously in your arms.

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