Following the Leveson Enquiry and recent eradication of News of the World, and now the pending closure of a second newspaper, The Sun, there may soon be a shortage of tabloid papers in the UK. Drivers of white vans and people too cheap to buy celebrity gossip magazines will be absolutely lost when visiting the newsagents in the morning. Where will they turn to look at pictures of breasts unashamedly in public? Where will they turn to find out which footballers have been caught snorting steroids from a hookers naval this week?
Worry not poor readers; I intend to capitalise on this drop in competition with The Moon – a handy template paper that actually has the exact same thing on the front cover every day! This save a fortune on printing and writing costs and, luckily, the readers will be none-the-wiser thanks to the generic nature of the information and its conformity with all other tabloid papers. With an estimated daily readership of 2 million people and price of £1.50, gross annual profits are estimated at just over £1 billion.
Wales, my current country of occupation, has recently introduced legislation whereby retailers are required to charge £0.05 (US$0.08, ¥5.99, KR 0.54, infinity First Zimbabwean Dollars) per disposable plastic/paper/hemp/fur shopping bag used by the customer. It doesn’t sound like much (unless you are an Old Zimbabwean), but it’s just enough to make you risk walking home clutching your newly-procured goods precariously in your arms.