Tagged with Rants

#24: Temp Work Small Talk

Drink: Gallons and gallons of low quality, Darjeeling tea

Temping is a young person’s game. A lot of us have felt the dirty need to take on some quick fit employment for a quick money fix to put some fresh crumbs on the table. Throw in a dodgy job market, the absence of a steady career, and the recent conclusion of a degree, and suddenly I’m a temp agency’s wet dream.

You may end up at the same place regularly, maybe moved around a bit, or usually called in for one-time events. It can be fun or, more than likely, extremely painful, but it’s a bit of money with no-strings-attached. I guess it’s a lot like being a prostitute – you tell yourself it’s just this one time, and it’s only for the money, but you keep going back every time your agency pimp calls you up. Oh, and you always feel the need to shower afterwards too. You dirty little hospitality whore.

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Kettle Thought #21: A word of advice

Drink: Earl Grey Tea

I am a trained psychologist so this should cost you a fortune, but for one day only my advice is on the house. That’s right, completely free, so you’d be a fool to turn it down.

  1. Gym guys, stop drinking protein shakes. Eat proper food and spend more of your time living life and less time lifting things. Protein shakes taste like someone used piss instead of milk in their Nesquik.
  2. Women, stop wearing make-up that is ten shades darker than your actual skin. Are you trying to be a walking, squawking advert for Dulux? This behaviour, that we shall call ‘Reverse Jackson-ing’, makes you look like a clown. Do you think that when you sweat, and droplets of dark brown filth drip off you and onto passers-by, they’re going to stop and think “Daaaaym, that girl is FINE!”? No.
  3. Dogs, stop giving me your paw. I don’t carry Scooby-Snacks around with me wherever I go.
  4. iTunes, stop asking me to update you! I am now on version 100,000,000.230,500,525.124,111 (beta) and am yet to see any change from the first time I installed you.
  5. Motorists, use your cars properly! Some poor old inventor didn’t spend his time coming up with the idea for indicators and rear view mirrors so that you could forego using them. Opening your doors into the middle of the street without looking should hold the death sentence. I at least wish my bicycle (and I) were made from titanium so that I could plough right on through and take your car door and stupid, neglectful arm clean off.
  6. Jehovah’s Witnesses, give up already. You’ve had a go, done your best, but maybe it’s time you accept that no one cares. Stay at home, save your own damn souls, and have a cup of tea, because you’re sure as hell not getting one at my house.
  7. White van men, buy different coloured vans. You are inviting discrimination. Perhaps you would have more chance with the ladies if you drove slowly past, whistling and requesting to see their breasts whilst driving a duck-egg-blue van? Or maybe a rich burgundy?  

Actually, I’ve changed my mind. That’s some really good advice and I will be sending you an invoice. 

 

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Kettle Thought #18: Likebook

Kettle Thought of the day: What do you like?

Drink: Hot water

Today, instead of working, I have compiled a list of things that people ‘Like’ (thumbs up) and tell all their metaphysical internet friends about, including the exact number of cyber-idiots who currently ‘like’ these things:

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Kettle Thought #17: Your Wish is Grant(ed)

Kettle Thought of the day: A Grant Rant

Drink: Latte

A short time ago, I found myself reading about the most recent allocation of research grants to UK universities. Partly because things like that interest me, and partly (or mostly) because I had to kill some time in the library, and that was the only decent reading material I could find nearby.

Whilst most of the grants dished out were for admirable purposes (research into renewable energy, improving the economies of sub-Saharan Africa via fibre optics, etc.) several grants struck me as categorically bizarre. Unsurprisingly, a significant number of these research projects appear to be occurring at The University of Oxford where, seemingly, a lofty status in academia means that you can study all manner of ridiculous subjects (and get paid handsomely to do so).

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Kettle Thought #12: The Most Hated People in the Country(side)

Kettle Thought of the day:

Drink: Americano 

I am a self-confessed country-bumpkin and thus enjoy going for walks; whether it be with purpose (walking dog, visiting friends, attending pub, etc.), or without. Recently, following one such walk, I believe that I may have successfully identified the most sadistic and devilish people in the rural world.

No, it’s not the people who leave gates precariously open, allowing the farmers’ precious livestock to roam free; although your crime is severe and can lead to beasts straying onto the road, killing innocent drivers; you generally just do so by mistake and may eventually be forgiven.

It’s not those who stray into our territory and ask every single person they encounter for directions; yes, you are annoying; yes, you should have brought a map and learned how to interpret one before going somewhere you’ve never been before; yes, I do know where your destination is, but for my own pleasure I will most definitely be sending you on the longest route imaginable.

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